Confused

I thought I have learnt

I want to move on with my life

But can I ?

I still cannot come in terms with this

Need to toughen up

Letting go

It is crazy that I only understand you only after I lose you.

It is crazy that I only understand your love after I lose you.

It is crazy that I am only willing to try after I lose you.

It is crazy that I thought I know what you want, while in fact I did not

It is even crazier that only now I realised what you want

It is crazy that I lied to myself and pretending everything is going to be all right.

It is crazy that I allowed you to become a person who you did not want to be.

It is crazy that I grew loving you only after I lose you.

It is crazy that I took you for granted, again and again.

It is crazy that I thought I was right all along.

It is crazy that I did not realise how immature I am to the relationship

It is crazy that I thought I am good at loving people when I never even love anyone before you

It is crazy that I thought you were the one that did not want to learn, while in fact it was me who did not want to teach.

It is crazy that I still called you and blamed you for everything, after what you have been through.

It is crazy that I changed so much, to become a person who both you and me hate when I was in a relationship with you.

It is even crazier that I expected you to understand me when I was not willing to let you know who I am.

It is crazy that I only understood your love when I lose you.

It is crazy that I let fear dictated me.

You gave me the chance to understand you, but I did not appreciate it.

It is crazy that I thought you ran out of patience after only one week, while you have been so sad for the past few months.

It is crazy that I thought I was the one having patience, while in fact I was just giving up without saying so.

It is crazy that I thought I was strong, while in the end I was weak

I was weak.

It is stupid that I called you again and again after we broke up.

I thought I was giving my best, while in fact I did not.

I did not love you right

But sometimes, we only understand how it goes the hard way. When you fall the hardest, the best thing to do is to stand up.

Life goes on.

Learn from past mistakes

Grow from them

Remember how painful it was when you fell. Learn

I will not let the fear of falling dictate me. But I will teach myself to walk better

To jump higher

To run faster

To toughen up

It is crazy that I only realise these now, there are regrets. But there are even more positive things to cherish about.

I learn how to love myself

I learn how to embrace the moments

I learn from my past mistakes

I learn that I am not perfect

I am not what I thought I am

I talk more than I do

I need to be more credible

I realised that I did not love myself as much as I thought I do

Not any more.

I realised I am not perfect

I realised I was indeed immature

In denial

I did not appreciate what I got.

Most importantly, I reflected and learn a lot of myself from this experience.

I know myself much better now.

I know what I want

I know who I am

I know my limits

I know what I like

I know what I don't like

And I learnt how to let go

If this relationship did not happen, I would not known, would not have realised.

2012 has been a very wonderful year with you.

One of the most eye-opening experience in my life.

Not only materially, but spiritually and emotionally as well.

I jumped the highest, and fell down the deepest in the same time.

But I might jump higher next time

with that, fall down even deeper as well.

But then, I will be prepared then.

What does not kill me, makes me stronger

As for us, love is not a video game.

There is no save and load function

No trial and error basis

And the chances you gave me, I wasted them.

I am not hoping for any more chances,

And not expecting any.

Just maybe one day,

very very random day,

we can talk like how we used to

We can laugh like how we were

And be open minded and let go of the hate and bitter feelings

And laugh all day long about all the crazy things I did.

And learn from it

And be friends again

For now,

I am just happy that I have learnt

No more hate

No more bitterness

No more dissatisfaction

Just happiness

Happiness for the lesson taught

Priceless lessons & experience

Thank you so much for the wonderful experience

The Christmas spirit

3 blogposts in 4 days, now that is a record!

Christmas is around the corner, and in a few hours time, I will be on my trip up north, to Scotland!

For this year's Christmas, I think I have felt the spirit much more than in previous years.

I am really enjoying my holiday, which is great; I sent X'mas cards to few people, which I have never done before; and there is a big possibility that this will be a white x'mas since I am in a 4 seasons country this festive time.

For me, since X'mas is really near the new year, it should be a season where everyone is happy and joyful, forgiving and confessing, & gathering and reminiscing old times. It is just like Chinese new year for the Chinese and Idul Fitri for the Muslims. For me, I have done just most of them. I am currently enjoying this season, forgave some people, asked for apology for people who I might have offended, and I would be visiting my friend later :)

Sadly today, I guess some people might still have their grudges on me. I do not know what I did to him, I never even talked to him directly before. Instead, met him in the mall and he gave me the sourest look that I have seen this year ( and this year is almost ending). Even my housemates were like "What's wrong with this dude?" I KNOW why the guy hold grudge on me, but seriously I don't think I deserve it at all, since it has no direct relations with him. For the story, I would not post about it for now, as this should be a joyful season, not a season where people hold their grudges and show their sour faces ( this is not world war II for goodness sake ). All I can say is, this has got to do with a relationship which goes waayy back to Pre-university.

Anyway, I don't have grudges with him any more, and since he is quite irrelevant, I would just like to continue with my next chapter in life.

I hope that in these few days, I would be able to do a year end-review on my life as well as to do a quick preview for the following year.

For now, Merry X'mas to whoever is reading this, have a good time and enjoy the awesome season !

Cheers,
Mr. Win

It's not about the price tag

These few days have been so relaxing.

No group design project, no literature review, no concrete design assignments, and no meetings..

It gives me much more time to blog on things that are happening..

Just recently, in these two days, I have received two x'mas presents. They are actually very simple indeed. Got a Terry's Chocolate Orange from a housemate, while another one is a badge which has "I am fluent in SARCASM" words printed on it. The second gift is sent all the way from Malaysia!

These things might not be expensive, or they might not even be the most practical x'mas present that you can get from.. Heck, they might not even make it to your top 100 x'mas wishlist. But no matter how big or small, cheap or expensive the thing is, I will always feel appreciated for these gifts.

I still believe in the fact that in this world, it is not only about the money. Sadly, the reality really differs from the ideal world. Money actually takes into account in almost everything that we do. It is quite saddening that this is pure fact. Just look at the professional footballers, if before they play for the sake of entertainment, to play good football and to enjoy themselves as well as the spectators, now it is all about winning, winning and winning. Yup, I believe that the winning mentality is important, but I dont think it is appropriate to win in the expense of entertainment.

My ideal world would be a world where money is not the main issue for people to make their decisions. Good example: future job. A lot of people now choose their degree based on their future prospects and not based on their interest. Good prospects: Good money: Good degree.. Which I really disagree. For me, every degree is good, as long as you enjoy studying it. Sadly, again.. in the reality, these decisions are not made by us. We could be stubborn and study what we want, but if we don't have the money, do we really want to take the risk?

Back to my initial topic, I haven't eat the chocolate yet.. I dont even know when I will eat it.. I bet it will taste good though.. cause it has my name on it.

And I think for the badge, it is really cool.. But Am I really fluent in sarcasm? It is not me to decide... Guess one way to know is to talk with Sheldon Cooper to check whether we are sarcastic enough for him to notice it or not :D

Just another trip to London

This is just a short post, I am not good at explaining journeys.

Just two days ago I had a trip with my housemates / coursemates to London.

It was my 2nd trip there and during the trip, I added another three keychains to my collection. Madame Tussaud's, London Underground and m&m keychains. 

The trip was nonetheless great. During my first trip there, I went to places like Westminster and London Bridge and Buckingham palace to look at famous landmarks. On this trip, the motive was different. We went to China town (Leicester Square), Bond street and Madame Tussaud's. We also went to the Hyde Park during the night for their X'mas market.. It was super huge compared to the one in Nottingham.

And after I take a look at my expenses during this trip, I realised I really spent a lot on food this time. It is all about food and I think I might have gained a few kgs along the trip.

I think these three keychains really resemble my trip well, as I went to both m&m store (which is 3 storeys) and Madame Tussaud's on this trip, which was really great. Madame Tussaud's is quite expensive though, but I guess it is really worth a visit. Got to look at wax figures which really looked real, and I even got fooled once or twice.. For the m&m store, the chocs there are expensive, didn't buy any, except their keychain. What amaze me is that a chocolate shop can have three floors, and the decoration inside is really wonderful.

For the London underground keychain, that was our main transport throughout the trip. Anywhere we go, we relied on the Underground ! :)

Make it mine

I have not been blogging as much as I wanted to during these past few weeks.. The main reason, as usual is because of my studies, which is taking a lot of my time, and secondly, I had not much inspiration to write..
Anyway,
1st semester was officially over yesterday.

That is 12 weeks, which equals to 84 days, which equals to 2016 hours.
And, as cliche as it sounds, it seems only like yesterday that I was here in the UK finishing my undergrad studies.

But even in this past 3 months or so, there are so many things that I wished I had done, and some things I wish I had not.. In fact, life is full of decision making, and some decisions are just hard to made..

Sometime last week, I began to question myself again, for nth (n= a lot of times) in my undergrad course, why did I choose 4 years of studies? To begin with, engineering courses in the UK is quite unique, because you can either finish it in 3 years or 4 years. The main difference is, for 3 years of studies, you will get a BEng degree (Bachelor of Engineering) while if you study for 4 years, you would have a title of MEng (Master of Engineering). To make things simpler, the 4 years studies will give you a title of MASTER, but you are just an undergraduate, it is an undergrad masters programme. In Indonesia, I guess you could call it S1.5, if there is any..

These questionings began again mainly due to the overwhelming assignments that the MEng students have, especially the group design project. It was crazy, it was ridiculous and to finish 20 credits in one semester in one module is rather  very exhausting. Thus, I asked myself, wouldn't it be better if I graduated last July, and then take an MSc programme instead in Civil Engineering in the UK ? Not only do I have a title of S2, but I wouldn't even need go through the group design project module .. Besides, the tuition fees are very similar as well as the optional modules. What is more, I got to choose my researches and my student Visa will allow me to stay in the UK until 2013, at least.. Did I just made a horrible decision to take MEng programme, instead of BEng + MSc?

Might seems like it, however after everything was done on Wednesday, magically all these questions are gone. Sometimes, it is just the tiredness and the stress that is playing with our mind... Most of the time, our mind will try to find an easy way out, or will try and blame other stuff such as past decisions, people around us, surroundings, or luck. But, are we really sure that if we had made different decisions, our life would be much better? if people around us are better, would we have an easier life? if luck is on our side, would we be happier?

Maybe we would.. Indeed, I think we would have much better life if we have made all the right decisions and everything else.

The fact is, we didn't and that is life. We should just get on with it, and do our best based on what we have. If we are able to do that, once we are done with everything and completed all these exhausting missions / projects / assignments / whatever it is, we would not need to share these accomplishment with other people, or credit it to luck, or the surroundings. THAT accomplishment is for us, and us only to take, and THAT is pure satisfaction :)

Chain is the key

Just wanted to write on one of my favourite past times, or you could call it obsession :)

The Keychain Obsession

I am a fan of key chains. I think this obsession started like 4 or 5 years ago when suddenly I realised I have more than enough key chains for my keys.. It's like I only have 1 set of keys, but had like 4 or 5 key chains with it. And how do I get those key chains? Well, they are one of the popular souvenirs that people can get when they do travelling, along with postcards and fridge magnet, and people - such as friends & family - had been travelling here and there and I had over dosage of key chains.

And when I receive something from someone, let it be gift or souvenirs, I would feel bad throwing them away, although I may not use them for the rest of my life. Besides, there is something about these key chains, they actually represents something so huge or big in magnitude, into something so small, something which you can carry around, something cool, and something which I believe, would never get old-fashioned or out of trend. And besides, it is not expensive, easily accessible and again, they are COOL, just COOL..

With the five key chains I got from different places, which IF i am not mistaken from Shanghai, Bali, Vietnam, Singapore and New Zealand, I decided to start collecting them, which I thought would really be a unique obsession. One of my ways to collect them is that when I travel to a place, I would try to get a key chain from there, while another way is to ask my friends and family to buy for me when they are travelling. So far, I think 70% of my key chains are from other people, and I am really glad that all of them actually supported me on collecting these, even my parents - although my dad was like "it is a waste of money, but go ahead and do what you want" - while my mum was more supportive and even got some for me when she went travelling just recently.

So far from my journey to the UK until now, I have bought three different key chains. One from Dubai - which has an awesome story behind it - and two from London - another unforgettable experience. I haven't bought one in Nottingham yet though, but I will, soon enough, and I hope I can get some more during my x'mas break which will start in 3 weeks time.

For now, time to get back to bridge designing, would not want to design something that will fail after ten years, like the one in East Kalimantan, condolences to the families affected. The engineers that designed this bridge, as well as the project managers and companies that are involved should be investigated to ensure our nation's integrity, or at least to improve it.